things have gotten out of hand..

ok.. first things first.. i need to apologize.. for the past few months.. I have develop a sense of PARANOIA... i've been on 'holiday' for nearly wat? 4 months?? and i tell u.. its getting to my head.. i'm going crazy.... see.. here's the thing.. i know i'm leaving soon.. to another place.. far away... ANOTHER COUNTRY.. T.T no parents to go to if anything were to happen.... i'm talking about sickness and so forth.. its gotten to my head.. i get pissed off easily.. moody... due to excessive BOREDOM... did i mention i'm going NUTS!!!?? i usually have control over myself... or i used to.. but.. this time.. sighs.... so i m sorry if i had gotten pissed of for no reason... causin pain to others... etc.. etc.. i hope sum of u understand the load of pressure i'm under.. i guess.. i wasnt prepared for it this time..


so.. over the past months.. i've been reading alot.. on health issues... especially male issues... guys.. u know wat i'm talking about... other than that... current problems within... such as asmath n blood disorders..... I tell u i can be a freegin specialist now... the one person i can always TURN to is HIM.. yea... i'm still greatful though.. because i know there are others out there who are having far worse problems than me... appreciate wat you have.. and take care of it.. u never know how easy it slips away under your own nose... anyways.. i guess when u have nothing to else to worry about.., u start to feel pains u never thought u have... things that normally keep your mind busy like studies.. presentations... girlfriends... money... when they're absent... they make u feel different.. maybe i should have worked.. gotten a job when i had nuts to do.. well.. no time for regret.. i'm hoping for the best.. forever praying... god bless and god protect...


never really was a religous person... but.. yea ..... i dont believe in religion... but i believe in GOD..

an idle mind.. is the devils playground..

''ahhh.... I am speechless... truly I am.. i have lost count with the times you have put me in situations like this.. I'm being played aren't I..''

i recently stumbled across a piece of material that has left me flabbergasted.. Is it my fate to be like this... the many strings u have tied me with... complicated as it is yet you can connect all of them together with such ease.. i dont understand... you left me in a place.. gave me 'toys'.. and guidance.. and yet you take them away.. i'm confused.. this is turning out to be a rather disturbing plot in a movie eh? how long can you put me through this... i pray...

i know now.. i have no ''obligations'' left.. I lay here without motive.. I lay here weak... without hope that they may listen.. or even care.. I am battered.. the days gone by.. i've not realised how much more clearer things have become... thinking back on times you have intervened.. I laugh... yet again... you put 'oppurtunity' right infront of me.. tempting me every second.. I think about what it is you might actually want to tell me.. is there a message?.. I took it.. and how it blew up in my face.. now the present.. i stand out around the vicinity.. watching every move.. and i see how YOU paint your masterpiece with what I could have been..

but i'm forever grateful.. a blessing i have now... non shall take away..


and now I sit here.. thinking of words to type... the thoughts that run through my mind are making me feel sick..